Afraid of my Own Voice.

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When I was a boy I was always a dreamer, I spent a lot of time contemplating the beyond.
Looking out our large picture frame window into the field behind our house, I knew there was something bigger than me, calling to me to come explore the mysteries of life.

I recall I loved to sing as a small boy, I would sing my heart out, my mother would brush my hair as I sat in the bathroom and sang songs.
On road trips, I’d have the beach boys on repeat learning each harmony line, much to my siblings enjoyment i’m sure. Who doesn’t love someone singing out loud along with a cassette on their walkman?….

I started writing songs in junior high and had a few groups I played guitar and sang in. I wrote poetry and drew psychedelic sketches on the wall above my bed at night. I had the confidence and desire to pursue my music, this was the only thing I wanted to do.

In high school I was fortunate to get experience in a recording studio learning the ways of producers and engineers. This line of thought fit well into my mind and I followed the technical path with passion to Nashville at the turn of the century and entered into concert touring. During this process my own music fell to the wayside.

Coinciding with my early career, illness took over my body, lymes disease was the catalyst for many challenges yet to come. Between tours I would see doctors nearly every week as I would still work hard and through the pain, often hidden from my peers.

A decade went by, and as I stepped up the ladder and I felt from time to time a great emptiness within. Like many people who left dreams by the wayside after their school years to be part of the real world, I felt this longing to be more creative. Even though I was doing really interesting fulfilling stuff; traveling the world, working with bigger acts in world renowned venues. Still I felt this calling within to do something else.

I hadn’t written a song in many years. I felt I had nothing to say. Years in the music business I had become jaded about the quality of artistic expression at the expense of commercial success. It felt as though if you were going to write songs they had to have the pop hit formula. No heartfelt poetic composition seemed it would be worthwhile.

As with all beings here in this time space reality, life began to speak to me and guide me in a direction of awakening, and I followed. I felt guided to certain books and people, each of which gave me some insight, some wisdom, about the eternal infinite essence that we are. I became interested in, and began to meditate. It was on and off again for a few years as I felt a connection but it never really stayed with me. I wrote a piece of music and poetry from time to time, but it had yet to come together for me. As I mediated with more regularity, I started having more inspirations of songs with meaningful messages come through me. Perhaps the songs were not pop hits but they spoke to a place deep, on the leading edge of thought, where I thought perhaps a few people might be feeling the same thing…

I struggled with feelings of inferiority, by this time it had been years since I had performed in front of people and my confidence was low. My expectation of technical musicianship was extremely high after working with so many great players over the years. Even some of those groups that never amounted to much in terms or sales and chart position. The players were extremely talented, so I would find myself saying, “if they couldn’t succeed why do you think you should even try?”

I was stuck in that train of thought for several years, and it kept me from trying. I was afraid of my own voice. Anxiety over not being good enough would be so high that I couldn’t even play around with friends. I recall being in the shower in the mornings, not wanting to sing, something holding me back, as if someone else may be listening and I could be hurt. It didn’t help that I was struggling physically, having been in and out of hospitals around the country trying to find ways to heal my body. Mercury toxicity, & severe autoimmune issues, I was literally coming apart on the inside. It did occur to me that my reluctance to follow my heart’s desire, to break through the fear, might be a factor to my physical suffering…

With my continuing contemplations and exploring meditation I came to the understanding that music, like all great art is completely about self expression, and can only be authentic when it is given without reservation. I needed to write music for myself, and the joy in it for me.
I had to find a way for the songs to mean something to me, so my voice could be heard in its entirety. I was writing songs I wanted to believe in, but I just couldn’t believe in them. I thought all along these songs would be good for others going through the existential challenges of modern life, and then one day I realized these songs are for my awakening!

A new presence ran through me, I would now see and feel the world differently. The songs took on a different more meaningful tone for myself. I could get lost in them, as portals to the world I was unaware of opened up. I was describing a place within that gave a true knowing of a coinciding vibrational reality, and that became my experiential truth. I knew a break through needed to happen to get me to a place of confidence and ease in what I was born to do, and this was it. With the power of the universe within now flowing & growing through me, it was time to share this with you.

What have you been afraid to pursue? What fear is holding you back?

If you’d like to hear the latest step in my journey, click here to listen to Return to Love.

Thank you for being a listener and let’s keep growing together.

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